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BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BRITISH MARS EXPLORATION PROGRAMME ************************************************************************************ ************************************************************************************ FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME ************************************* Dear All, I'm a man of many hobbies. I'm a hobbyist. It keeps my mind out of the dark cupboards of the soul. Stamp collecting, that's a good one. Stamp collecting, walking on the fells, and popular music. Oh yes, I like popular music. I believe that it was Mr Midge Ure who first said: This means nothing to me.

And who knew then how right he would turn out to be? And who can forget Paul McCartney's imprecation, that, If this ever-changing world in which we live in makes you give in and cry, live and let die. I'm doing just that. I'm letting all those seal cubs die, Paul, so there! Band on the run?

When I'm king, you will be. That song, of course, was covered by Axl Rose, whose name is an anagram of Oxl Arse. Guns N Roses new album is expected out later this year, and I for one, cannot imagine that, after 13 years in production, it will be anything less than spectacular.

Yes, music is balm for the soul, it stops us worrying about things we can't change: our cosmic insignificance, the fact that we're alone in the solar system, what we're going to do to Patrick Moore when we get our hands on him. Yours, Barnaby Bottomley ------------------------- WHAT'S NEW(ISH)? ******************** Mission Penetrator breaks through furthering interplanetary relations. Exclusive uncensored footage if you haven't seen it yet.

------------ ASK THE PROFESSOR ************************** Dear Professor Colander, It saddens me that there has been so little concentration on my favourite planet, Uranus. You're always going on about Mars, as if it's something special, just because it's tilted at 28 degrees and has an almost-breathable atmosphere. Let's face facts, it's nothing compared to Uranus. So, here are a few questions: what can we expect to find on Uranus?

Is Uranus big enough to contain intelligent life? Why do you always neglect Uranus? Yours, Bumflap McCrapper --- Dear Bumflap, I know what you're doing. I know your game. You're a comic genius, a veritable Russ Abbott, Dick Emery or David Walliams. I've heard more Uranus jokes than you've had hot dinners. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that someone has inserted Uranus into almost every hot dinner I've had.

I can't walk down the street without having -Uranus! - hurled at me by youths and old people and the middle-aged. Oh yes, we all love a good laugh at Uranus, but after thirty or forty years of having to stare at Uranus day after day, it all gets a little boring. Quite honestly, Bumflap, I hope I never have to think about Uranus ever again. Yours, Professor Colander --------------------------- FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH) ****************************************************** Space. The Final Frontier. Left ear, right ear, and final front ear.